Things with my dad have not felt right for over a year now, we used to spend so much time together and have a lot of fun but now its the complete opposite. We barely talk and when we do I'm scared about what I say because he looses his temper if someone doesn't agree with him. We could be having a harmless debate and then suddenly boom! it will turn into a full blown argument because he thinks his opinion is the only one that counts and I have learned to except that this is just the way he is. When we would occasionally have arguments when I was younger and he was in the wrong he would always say he was sorry afterwards but now he just ignores me even if he has been really nasty and believe me he can be really nasty.
He's also started to make me feel really self conscious, like seriously half the stuff I wear he goes out of his way to say he doesn't like it and I look stupid and he always used to say I looked nice. It just feels like he's trying to knock my confidence or something. He comments every time I put on a bit of weight and he knows I'm really touchy about it, he even told me my friend had a nicer voice then me the other day. :/
He used to tell me he was proud of me a lot and now I can't even remember the last time he said it, I work so hard at university and I have a part time job on top of that and whenever I say I'm tired or warn out he turns around and pretty much says 'you have no right to feel that way I work longer hours then you' which I agree, he does work longer hours (but he also gets the weekend off and I don't because I'm working) but does that mean I don't have the right to feel tired? I also have an under active thyroid which doesn't help!
The thing that bothers me most out of all is that he barely hugs me anymore, I'm 20 now I know i'm not a child that needs constant affection but even in my later teens he used to hug me when I got in from uni or work and ask me how my day was and now I'm lucky if I even get talked too when I come in. (My mum hasn't changed she is still affectionate and normal towards me)
The change has just happened so fast, it feels like it was an over night thing and one day we were as close as ever and then the next we were complete strangers.
We still occasionally have our good days but they are becoming widely spaced apart and the good karma doesn't last long.
Recently I have been having some mental health issues, nothing too major but Me and my mum think I may have a form of OCD where I have been having horrible thoughts or maybe some kind of depression we arn't sure I need to go and talk to someone about it. Every time I try to talk to my dad about it, he tries to change the subject or he once said 'everyone gets bad thoughts sometimes why are you're problems any worse then anyone elses' which I thought was a really nasty and immature comment to make. My mum backed me up on that one and then my dad just got angry and didn't talk to either of us for hours.
I'm so lucky to have such a lovley and supportive mum but I would love to have my dad back :( Its getting me down so much, I cry at least once a week thinking about our broken relationship and how good it used to be. I'm starting to think I won't get him back now and perhaps its best if I move out even though my mum doesn't want me too because she likes the company when my dad works away but I feel so uncomfortable living with him now and every time I see him I'm reminded of how things used to be and its very painful.
I know this sounds really pathetic but I'm not even sure he loves me anymore, I just don't feel it or see it the way I used too.
(Rant over sorry about this, needed to get it off my chest)